map_of_the_world: (lotr: silhouette)
"I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.
"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."
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I dont want to be disabled, I dont want to have to live with joint pain, I dont want to have to plan my day depending on how far i can walk. I dont know what this is, probably its arthritis, but whatever it is it doesnt mater because it hurts and it isnt going to stop hurting, I have had leg pain for three years now and it gets steadily worse. soon enough standing still for any amount of time at all is going to be an imposibility which means I will have to take my crutches everywhere,all the time which is tiring and a pain in the arse because the world isnt designed for people with crutches
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So yesterday we were supposed to be going to see a bollywood musical thing which I was quite looking forward to in a kind of "well I've never done this before, I wonder if I will like it kind of way," but it was canceled because the star was sick which we were quite disappointed about. But we went to see Elizabeth:the golden age instead and oh my god it was amazing in every way possible, cinematography, lighting, acting, scripts. I loved it. It was really talky which I guess a lot of people wouldn't like but I love that, Cate Blanchett is awesome and Clive Owen, Oh my god is he sexy beautiful as Walter Raleigh or what? (I thought he was sexy in Children of men but that film really irritated me and he reminded me scarily of a friend I used to have)

I really liked the subtlety of the relationships in the film (I'm not convinced it was at all historically accurate but the subtlety and the acting out of the complex relationships was excellent)

Something that did really piss me off yesterday was that my legs really hurt so I had to take my crutches and no one gave me their seat on the train I had to stand, which I thought was kind of selfish and rude. Staying ballanced on a train while using crutches is a pain in the arse, Paul stood behind me to steady me but he often wont be there, I guess i just need to get braver about asking people to give me a seat.
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So yesterday was the firework display in Caerphilly, and because I knew there would be a lot of standing around and standing watching I took my crutches out for the first time. I got them about six weeks ago actually but I had been really uncomfortable about using them before, partly because I thought I would feel like I was turning into my mother if I used them (strange that the problem is something I probably inherited fro my biological mother Yet I was worrying about how it relates to my adoptive mother) Also I hate the idea of not being okay, not being capable, or more probably I hate the idea of not looking okay, not looking capable. Also have my mothers voice in my ears telling me that I'm not really in pain I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

But you know It was okay, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be and it did make the experience so much more enjoyable because I wasn't in ridiculous amounts of pain (standing still unaided for even a minute often leaves me with so much foot/ankle/knee pain I want to cry) And today my legs are okay, They are a bit achy but I think getting used to the crutches will help that. The last time I had to stand still for a long period of time I was in so much pain I couldn't walk for a week afterwards. Also I used to get really cranky and head achy because of the pain so it wasn't much fun for anyone around me.

And I think id always kind of though that having some sort of disability aid was what made you disabled really, as if if you were stoic and dealt with the problem without any external help then you wernt really disabled, but now I kind of get that refusing to let yourself make changes and allowances in your life and  what you need makes you less capable not more. Now I wont dread or just point bank avoid going places where I have to stand up/queue because I know I can take my crutches, and I wont be distracted by part of my brain being preoccupied with the pain


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October 2010

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