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for some of us adoption isn’t a wonderful thing to be celebrated or encouraged, lots of adoptees do not see adoption as a good thing, as something to be happy about. It's painful, confusing, identity annihilating. I am a colonised person, I lost my name, my culture, a language connection, a religious connection, my bloodlines. There are griefs that I cant even name.

The societies we live in are so invested in the lie that adoption is a win/win/win situation for everybody involved that it is totally ignored the two of the three parts of that triangle loose something irreplaceable. And its totally unacknowledged that we might grieve this forever, that it's not always something we can or should "get over" or "work through"

I always thought Frodo Baggins said it best:

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep that have taken hold.


I've meditated on this quote a lot and come to the conclusion that some pain doesn't go away, that for some of us who have been deeply and repeatedly wounded grief is not a season but a thread, a bass note in the structure of our lives and part of healing is coming to terms with that, of building something positive out of that grief and sadness, but also just living with it. I've learnt that if i don't acknowledge it as part of myself, if i don't honour it I get depressed I go blank, I don't feel all the good sweet ,positive things about my life either, cutting of my grief cuts of all my emotions. Grief is part of the kaleidoscope of who I am, I wouldn't be myself without it.
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we live in a world that doesn't honour grief, that leaves no space for it,especially when its not about death, when its about other kinds of losses. we live in a world that wants us to sit silently with our pain, be demure and tidy about it, and someone I love very much once said to me but maybe its a good thing that we live in a world where its not appropriate to stand in a field and scream and I just stared at him and thought but what have you lost? you live in a world that's built for you, that has taken nothing from you that mattered
i recently heard someone on the radio say all poetry is elegy and at college i learned the term belatedness but these things just vocalised what I have always known, that poetry is way of grieving, that poetry takes grief seriously, and that's why its down there in the bedrock of who I am, why its fused to my bones

and the things we loose, land, language, bloodlines, names, the illusion of safety, futures, trust, people, body boundaries these are not always things that can be got over, grief is not always a stage, these are things we need to live with, to make space for, to demand that the world makes space for

If connections matter, then disconnections, ruptures, fractures have to matter as well. Because disconnections, ruptures, fractures have been so much part of my life, they have become part of myself and I need to honour that. i need to call my greif sacred and accept that if I don't acknowledge it and learn to work with it then I wont be a whole person.

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October 2010

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