The only thing that ever matters....

is to love and be loved

so I was listening to Displaced and November by azure ray by azure ray because they are beautiful and the lyrics really calm me when I'm stressed about my depression

( relevant lyrics )

and they remind me of the second year of uni, when I was so sick with depression that stringing a sentence together was a mammoth effort and walking across a room was like climbing a mountain, and it was a horrible awfull time, but what those songs bring back to me was how much I was loved how much love and support and care was given to me by six beautiful people who, not incidentally are the only six people from uni that i still have regular contact with and consider an important part of my life. so I was thinking how lucky I am to have awesome people in my life even though I am difficult and sometimes really hard work, and then I was reading my friends list and I saw one of those people who supported me when I was that sick had writen this and I thought it was just awesome it totally reminds me of how I feel when things are good, an that I can build my life around myself, It reminds me of the feeling I get when the depression clears and I feel strong and focused and in love with the world

Remember you can stand-up and walk out

i forget this, I forget this too often, it isn't that I want to walk out, but the flip side of knowing you can walk out but you don't is that you choose to be there, and I choose to be here, and I need to be more proactive in choosing how my life works and what I want to happen in it.

This is your life, remember, remember what you warned yourself against.

this is something I have forgotten to do of late. I will not bow to the gods of mediocrity or worship at the alter of the status quo or as Runrig say trade all that fire of living,
For the fickle and the bland

I need to remember or relearn how to live honestly, vibrantly and passionately


yo Suzie, love you

watership down

so I tend to be over ernest, and everything i do/read/watch/listen to has to be important, has to matter has to teach me something or help someone else and I was thinking about this and I was thinking what book i wanted to read and i just thought

fuck it. What I really want to read in these dark days is watership down,

I come back to that book over and over again, such a complex mixture of invented myth and with the air of early twentieth century anthropological study along with the great hero archetype. And i know that landscape, i know it to my bones, geographically the setting is both very similar and very close in in distance, in the general scheme of things, to the place I grew up, so I know that, chalk and flint, steep low slung hills and farmland, winding lanes, copses and spinneys, the river Test. The landscape we grow up in shapes our psyche, is part of who we are and that landscape is a part of me.

So anyway my copy of Watership down, is so old the pages are falling out, so i bought a new copy with the gift token interfaceleader sent me for christmas and I'm really looking forward to it being delivered