Apr. 27th, 2010 07:39 am
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I went away for the weekend with a bunch of people from church, and the most important thing I learnt was about balance, about balancing my life outside the church with my life within the church about balancing weaving the world, the secular communities I work and live in together with helping weave the church I belong together, because currently it's a tattered mess and it sure as hell needs weaving together

About balancing my actions, the things I do and feel passionate about with making space and time and silence to listen to god

I also realised that I'm still really ambivalent about church, about the idea of church about the Idea of church in the world i have knee jerk responses that come from growing up in whackjobsville, where I come from the only reason for the church interacting with people was to evangelise and even if they were doing something good the ulterior motive was evangelising and everything was seen as a failure if it didn't turn people into Christians

If my faith is important to me, and my church is important to me, if those things are as important to me as the other things in my life then I should be putting as much time care and effort into my faith and my church as I do the other things that are important in my life
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I belong to a religion whose adherents almost exclusively claim is monotheistic. This doesn't make any sense to me (I know religion often doesn't make sense from the outside but the internal coherence of my spiritual beliefs is kind of important to me.) If we believe in the trinity (which I do) then god is either three individual beings, or god is multiple, it isn't possible for three personalities to be a coherent individual entity. To me, the idea of god being multiple makes the most sense so I guess I come to and engage with god from a standpoint of soft polytheism (which is basically that all gods are the same god from different angles and with different aspects/personalities.)

I grew up in a branch of Christianity that argued that god was always and only male, to think of god as female was disrespectful, sacrilegious, sinful and for a long long time i could not come to god at all, if god was always and only male I wanted no part of him, no interaction or connection with him. And there is so much emphasis on the idea of god the father that that left me languageless, I know what fathers do, before I learnt there were other types of father, ones who were not abusive or abandoning god as a father was a dangerous contrary idea.

But I have learned over the past two years to come to god in many of his/her aspects not just the usual sanctioned three,the father image of god is important to me now that I am fatherless, but also as in her female aspects and I take inspiration from the Celtic goddesses because of the land i stand in but one of the things that really bothers me about the neo-pagan approach to goddesses is the idea that they are all somehow mothering, nurturing, protective, which makes me go, hmm really? Especially since Celtic women were often fighters, making a goddess all about fertility, about birth is no more rounded than having no goddess at all I think.

And to be honest I'm not particularly interested in some fluffy mother/earth goddess figure, I tend to see the earth herself as a spiritual being and leave it there. I am interested in goddesses but much more as warriors, as fighters, as women of steel who take no prisoners

And I am very drawn to god in her Morrigan aspect who is a fertility goddess but who is much more a warrior goddess, who will kill so blood can fertilise the land. Who is wild and ragefull, who takes no prisoners, but who also expects her followers to step up, to be the best they can be. And right now as well as the nurturing, loving, friendly aspects of god, right now I need a warrior goddess to remind me how strong we are, to remind me that I know how to take the destruction that was done to me and the destuction I had to cause and turn it into something positive and fruitful.


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October 2010

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