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map_of_the_worldWell haven’t blogged for ages because I've been too busy actually doing stuff,(and playing wow1) I got a job in a charity shop which I do three mornings a week and really I feel so much better for it. Just meeting people and doing something useful with my time and having a somewhat structured week has made me feel so much better about life in general even though the winter is drawing in. Also I cut out almost all caffeine and fizzy drinks from my dies which the evil twin has been telling me to do for years, and I feel so much better for it! much more alert, next thing is the exes sugar I guess. Anyway the reason I did it was because it was really affecting my joints. I think I have osteoarthritis and caffeine and fizz makes my joint pain much, much worse. I still get bad days but my joints don’t ache all the time now. We had to buy me some crutches though because there are some days walking is really painful and standing still for even like 30 seconds is unbelievably painful. I haven’t actually used them yet but I know I will and knowing I have them makes thinking about organising my life a lot less stressful.
Also I started counselling with like, the only organisation in Wales that does sexual abuse survivor consoling, but so far I am not liking what I'm seeing. She was all "have you had counselling before and how long for," so I said I had for about 3 years and she was "well you do realise that this isn’t psychotherapy and that this is only a six week course don’t you. which kind of pissed me of because what I had before with Su wasn’t phycotherapy, and I mean really what In hell is the point of a six weeks course of counselling going to deal with? What If this was the first or the only counselling I had
had for the shit that happened to us? bearing in mind that even with an incredible clinical psychologist it still took us THREE YEARS to get to anything like a functional state. And she’s a transactional analysis counsellor so I don’t know how good that is going to be for me really and I'm not telling her I'm multiple which confuses the issue somewhat. And it’s all that kind of "solution based" stuff. Like she was like what practical thing do you want to solve by the end of counselling? well really I want to be able to deal with the fact that my father used me but apparently that isn’t specific enough. Anyway stray says I have to keep going and see if it does any good. It’s really hard not to dip out though and make her front because I do find talking about/feeling negative emotions really difficult. But she says I have to do this myself because I have different issues from it than her and I haven’t even started processing it.
Talking of strong emotions I was thinking this week about how and why I get angry. Something happened this week that although was extremely personally painful to some one I love and someone they love was also deeply political and involved fuckwitt border controls and immigration laws and fucking stupid short sited selfish capitalist anti people have feelings ness and I was so angry, raising the roof, bulldozing walls type angry, wanting to shout and throw things type angry, And the thing is it seems the only place my anger goes, the only place I can allow it to go it where political injustices are concerned, where people are being hurt, damaged, denied their rights by systems so maybe its possible to reframe what my father did to me in light of a patriarchal misogynistic culture and that he chose to participate in its ugliest face because I was easy prey,
Also saw my grand parents last weekend which was really nice I was really nervous about it because I haven’t seen them since I stopped talking to my parents and I didn’t know what my parents would have said to them or what they would say to me. I think my parents had told them because the referred to them by there names and before they always called them “your mum and dad” also my gran said “it was so nice to hear you wanted to see us, we thought you’d forgotten about us” I really love my grandparents we have really similar political outlooks and I resent that my mother behaved like they were horrible difficult people so I didn’t really get a chance to know them when I was younger (I could understand it better if they were her parents but they are not they are his)
Also I started counselling with like, the only organisation in Wales that does sexual abuse survivor consoling, but so far I am not liking what I'm seeing. She was all "have you had counselling before and how long for," so I said I had for about 3 years and she was "well you do realise that this isn’t psychotherapy and that this is only a six week course don’t you. which kind of pissed me of because what I had before with Su wasn’t phycotherapy, and I mean really what In hell is the point of a six weeks course of counselling going to deal with? What If this was the first or the only counselling I had
had for the shit that happened to us? bearing in mind that even with an incredible clinical psychologist it still took us THREE YEARS to get to anything like a functional state. And she’s a transactional analysis counsellor so I don’t know how good that is going to be for me really and I'm not telling her I'm multiple which confuses the issue somewhat. And it’s all that kind of "solution based" stuff. Like she was like what practical thing do you want to solve by the end of counselling? well really I want to be able to deal with the fact that my father used me but apparently that isn’t specific enough. Anyway stray says I have to keep going and see if it does any good. It’s really hard not to dip out though and make her front because I do find talking about/feeling negative emotions really difficult. But she says I have to do this myself because I have different issues from it than her and I haven’t even started processing it.
Talking of strong emotions I was thinking this week about how and why I get angry. Something happened this week that although was extremely personally painful to some one I love and someone they love was also deeply political and involved fuckwitt border controls and immigration laws and fucking stupid short sited selfish capitalist anti people have feelings ness and I was so angry, raising the roof, bulldozing walls type angry, wanting to shout and throw things type angry, And the thing is it seems the only place my anger goes, the only place I can allow it to go it where political injustices are concerned, where people are being hurt, damaged, denied their rights by systems so maybe its possible to reframe what my father did to me in light of a patriarchal misogynistic culture and that he chose to participate in its ugliest face because I was easy prey,
Also saw my grand parents last weekend which was really nice I was really nervous about it because I haven’t seen them since I stopped talking to my parents and I didn’t know what my parents would have said to them or what they would say to me. I think my parents had told them because the referred to them by there names and before they always called them “your mum and dad” also my gran said “it was so nice to hear you wanted to see us, we thought you’d forgotten about us” I really love my grandparents we have really similar political outlooks and I resent that my mother behaved like they were horrible difficult people so I didn’t really get a chance to know them when I was younger (I could understand it better if they were her parents but they are not they are his)
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no subject
Date: 2007-10-18 08:08 pm (UTC)just a quick one are you still coming to my party tomorrow? I can still sort out floor space for you if you want. if so, are you bringing Paul, I'd love to meet him. I really hope you are coming, my mob is 07818 045 205 let me know.
no subject
Date: 2007-10-24 10:58 pm (UTC)