I want to stop speaking

Really, just never talk again, because self imposed silence builds a barrier, makes you smaller, less space taking. Makes you less needy, less demanding, makes it easier to think maybe. Maybe thats why I am such a night owl, because there are so few people around at night.

This is I think a metaphor for the fact I dont want to have to be "Super Amber" all the time. I feel that I have no space to rage and scream and cry, to be distant, to be overemotional, to be compleatly spontaneous because sarah is so many of those things so much of the time that it isnt fair on those around us if I do it too, not that I would rage and scream. My anger is more political than hers my greif more difuse, and even she most often does the raging and screaming and crying privatley but still one of us has to be the responsible one, although there are things she is far more responsible about but they are not important to the world, the world doesnt care weather we eat properly or get enough sleep but it does care if we've handed an essay in on time or paid our rent, which are the things I am good at.

I cannot save the world and myself at the same time and I hate myself for it, something has to give so I am resigning my post as womens officer

I miss Sinead so much I can taste it, I hadn't bargined for how much I would miss her, for how much support we gave each other.