Coming to terms with this

So yesterday was the firework display in Caerphilly, and because I knew there would be a lot of standing around and standing watching I took my crutches out for the first time. I got them about six weeks ago actually but I had been really uncomfortable about using them before, partly because I thought I would feel like I was turning into my mother if I used them (strange that the problem is something I probably inherited fro my biological mother Yet I was worrying about how it relates to my adoptive mother) Also I hate the idea of not being okay, not being capable, or more probably I hate the idea of not looking okay, not looking capable. Also have my mothers voice in my ears telling me that I'm not really in pain I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

But you know It was okay, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be and it did make the experience so much more enjoyable because I wasn't in ridiculous amounts of pain (standing still unaided for even a minute often leaves me with so much foot/ankle/knee pain I want to cry) And today my legs are okay, They are a bit achy but I think getting used to the crutches will help that. The last time I had to stand still for a long period of time I was in so much pain I couldn't walk for a week afterwards. Also I used to get really cranky and head achy because of the pain so it wasn't much fun for anyone around me.

And I think id always kind of though that having some sort of disability aid was what made you disabled really, as if if you were stoic and dealt with the problem without any external help then you wernt really disabled, but now I kind of get that refusing to let yourself make changes and allowances in your life and  what you need makes you less capable not more. Now I wont dread or just point bank avoid going places where I have to stand up/queue because I know I can take my crutches, and I wont be distracted by part of my brain being preoccupied with the pain

Interests meme

If you comment on this post I'll choose seven interests from your profile, and you can explain what they mean and why you are interested in them. Post the answers in your own journal so others can play along.

catskillmarinagave me the following

1) CaerphillyThis is where I live, It’s a valley town just outside of Cardiff. Nothing ever happens here but it has an awesome castle.

2) cardiff I really like Cardiff, I spend a lot of time there. Pretty much all the political stuff I’m involved in happens in Cardiff. It also has an awesome Oxfam bookshop and a really good arts centre. Really I love Cardiff. Give me Cardiff over London any day

3)dyspraxia This is a learning disorder/developmental disorder on the autism spectrum. For me it means I am clumsy, my spatial awareness and hand eye coordination are bad, my sense of balance is not good. My reflexes are slow, my joints over extend (so I have to wear boots to avoid sprained ankles) My fine motor skills (such as writing, sewing etc) are more difficult and take more work than for nerotypicals. And I have trouble sequencing and categorising things because my brain doesn’t make the same patterns as a “normal” brains. However this means that I can make and recognise patterns that “normal” brains can’t. I also suffer from sensory overload on occasion. (This also means I expect people reading my eljay not to get snarky about my syntax/spelling/punctuation/grammar, because dyspraxia effects all of these

4) mind the gap This is the name of the feminist group I belong to in Cardiff. Ive belonged to if for about a year. It started of as just a discussion group but we have branched out and formed an activism group as well now. The groups blog is here.http://mindthegapcardiff.blogspot.com/

5) politicsTo me everything is political, everything we do, every choice we make, politics is everywhere and everything. Everybody is political even if they say they are not. Those who consider that politics isn’t important to them are those that are upholding the status quo. I try and be politically active and try to make things better for people.

6) strength Is the only way any of us who are in any way not “normal” can survive this fucked up capitalist system

7) theory I love reading and talking about ideas especilay those pertaining to the humanities.