What shall I do will the rest of my life?

So I had a long conversation with other Paul, some of which consisted of fighting (fighting with Other Paul means me shouting and him very calmly and gently apologising) but also he was telling me what other people Id been at college with were doing with the rest of their lives and I was like "don't tell me that it makes me feel crap because I'm not doing anything with my life" he pointed out that that really isn't true. And I guess it isn't. so I don't have a paid job but i need to learn not to set my worth the way the capitalist system sets worth, because I am being a useful member of society, i am just not being paid for it.

I do at least nine hours voluntary work a week and I really, really like my job and my manager has made it clear that she values me and likes working with me because I work hard and get stuff done.

I am averaging about two feminist meetings a month, which might go up to three if we have a social every month as well and I feel like I am doing important activism there we are currently running a campaign to raise awareness of how rape crises centres are shutting down.

I am in the very preliminary stages of setting up a women's depression support group in Caerphilly, which I will then run.

So you know I am doing usefull stuff with my life I guess. I just still have my parents voice in my head that pretty much said the only way to contribute to society was by getting a full time "respectable" job, or by bringing up your own children (which is quite interestiong inn itself considering I am not actualy my parents child)

Daym

Paul bought me a new ipod! Is a Christmas present but he gave it to me today. This mean I can download humanities geekery from the BBC and listen while I'm traveling, How cool.

Also we are going to sell the one interfaceleader gave me on eBay, don't know how much we will get for it but will give you half the money seeing you need it (also will get round to selling Robs coat)

I feel kind of odd and restless this week, kind of lonely which is odd seeing that actually in the last two months I've interacted more intensely and with more people than I had done in the whole of the last year.

Also I think i am going to be writing lots in the next week or so so might be spamming your friends list (will cut long posts though)

The baby thing

So I was thinking about this having/not having kids thing. I was dead set against it for ages and ages and then I thought it might be nice and good, so we tried but as I though my body is really messed up and the chance of having them without medical intervention is pretty much nil

And really I don’t want to have invasive procedures or nasty chemicals in my body just to get pregnant. Also there is no way we could afford treatment and I don’t think the NHS should be providing it because having kids isn’t a right and its using money that could be saving someone’s life.


Also I really don’t think I’d be that good a parent. I’m inpatient and irritable and really really messy, also I am quite selfish about some things and I really need my own space. Also I wouldn’t want a child to live with my depression I don’t think.

So I’ve been thinking about going back on contraception and just declaring myself childfree and be done with it. Paul was like well you are probably not going to get pregnant why don’t we just not use contraception and see what happens. I’m really not a fan of that idea I kind of want to know either way. I think I will feel like I’m in limbo otherwise. I need to be able to plan my life, plan my future as much as possible without worrying I might get pregnant in an important part of my career. I don’t know what contraception o use though, whether to get something permanent.

Maybe Tony having Ben has really made me see the down side of childrearing as well, what a drag it can be, how tiring it is, how it totally curtails your life.

But one of the things that irks me about the self styled “childfree” is how horrible they are (okay so I have only come across these people on eljay which does tend to attract whack jobs but whatever) lots of them seem to really hate kids, are really anti kid in public, especially anti breast feeding and there is a whole load of misogyny as well, it really disturbs me. I actually quite like kids, well im a bit awkward with them up to about five then I really like them, and I think breast feeding in public is totally acceptable, people eat in public don’t they? It pisses me off that a child should go hungry so people don’t get offended.

Being a mother in this society is difficult. The Ideal of motherhood is honoured and put on a pedestal but actual motherhood isn’t. like most things that are seen as “women’s work” it is often belittled and sneered at .Its hard work and usually quite thankless. There is never enough cheap child care, its expensive, its tiring and I just think ist really rude of people to teardown mothers (or any parents) all the time. Motherhood matters. Just because people choose to be childfree it doesn’t mean that parenting doesn’t matter. Also just because I don’t want kids doesn’t mean I begrudge any support that parents get from the government ect.

In fact it may be that I spend a large chunk of my career teaching/supporting other peoples children instead of having my own.