new comm

Aug. 16th, 2010 01:37 am
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[ profile] not_going_home

This is a support community for people who have no contact with their parents/childhood caregivers or who are in the process of disconnecting from them. It is for those who have chosen to sever contact themselves and those who have been rejected by their parents/childhood caregivers
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I am not okay
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the penicilin that i'm taking for tonsilitis has stopped my prozac working, so my whole body hurts, I hate myself, I have no impulse control,i have really negative thoughts and weird flashbacky shit zooming round my head

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i am feeling a whole bunch better, not perfect but better. the combination of tonsillitis, antibiotics to fix the tonsillitis and a really heavy period really depleted my spoons and my mood. i''l catch up properly on lj in the nexy couple of days


Aug. 6th, 2010 04:50 am
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I'm really conflicted about that Eminem/Rhianna song
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I just got through looking for Alaska which I liked a lot, a whole lot more than I thought I would. It made me think about how adolescent literature is such a conceit, it is all written by adults who remember being teenagers, who aren't living it. In my experience adolescents are never as emotionally articulate as ad lit makes them out to be. I don't think this is a bad thing at all, they have those feelings they just don't know how to express or verbalise them so i think ad lit is a really important teaching tool so they can learn to express themselves emotionally.

I read a book called where did it all go right which wasn't particularly thrilling but this guy had taken sections of his diary from when he was a teenager and written about them and his analysis of the diary was so much more interesting than the diary itself.

also what is this?

There is nothing in that book that can remotely be described as porn, there are a few awkward adolescent fumbles, an extremely awkward unerotic blow job and some discussion of sex (which to be honest even if it had been full blown and graphic, so what? that's what teenagers do)
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I nominated myself as a mod for ontd_f

please nominate me here if you feel you can

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1)I have no sympathy for the adoptive parents, child trafficking and kidnapping has been going on for years in regard to international adoption, if they were so desperate for somebody else s child that they didn't want to acknowledge that then that's their fault

2)I somehow think that if a large number of white western middle class kids had been fraudulently removed from their families the perpetrators (i.e the adoption agency) would have gone to prison for a very long time
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Oil spill in china

If it isn't cleaned by September it will decimate the regions seafood industry
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so I've been reading a collection of lovecraft's work, because I'm really interested in invented myth cycles, and he is so long winded, it's just GET TO THE POINT ALREADY!, i wouldn't mind if it was scary but its not, it's at best mildly disturbing. And so much of it is just absurd. like often a character will be banging on about how he knows some terrible secret which he hope nobody else finds out, but instead of burning the proof he hides it or writes a long treatise on what happened. He is so, so conservative, horribly classist and racist and women don't even exist in his writing except as shadows, puppets. Also he is really really anti science, anti finding out how the world works
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I don't talk about my feelings around adoption much off line, when I do its only to very close friends who I trust and who I know understand where I'm coming from. Online? I talk about it loads and the way people react to it is...odd. people get so angry, circling the wagons type angry, protect the status quo at all costs type angry that anger frightens me, even online, It has an edge to it. A "we will do anything to shut you up" edge. It's that anger that people use to tell me I'm crazy, illogical, irrational, stupid, evil, because of the way I think about adoption. This is often people who have nothing to do with adoption and as well as finding it frightening I find it really perplexing.

At first I thought it was just the adoption issue that was making them angry but critiquing adoption also entails on some level a critique of the nuclear family and it seems that people really, really can't cope with that

we have been fed the lie that the way white middle class westerners do family, two parents and one or more children pretty much in isolation is the best, the healthiest, often the only way to do family, that other ways of doing family are wrong, immoral, unenlightened. From where I'm standing this is actually a terrible way to do family, with the best will in the world two adults bringing up one or more children on their own is going to cause unnecessary, unhealthy stress. Family the way we do it or the way we are supposed to do it doesn't work. It creates incredibly dysfunctional people who then go on to create and raise more dysfunctional people

yet people are so invested in this damaging dysfunctional way of running society that it doesn't occur to them ever that their might be other options and they get really angry about how I "want babies to be abandoned or to grow up in abusive environments" etc etc. and if you say "well there are other options" they invariably reply with "no there aren't" or "well what are they then?" as if you are lying. Things people have said to me include

Yeah exactly! WHAT DO THEY DO WITH ALL THE KIDS? force parents who don't want them to take care of them? what if their parent's are dead? HOW IS IT EVEN AN ISSUE?

of all, it's just plain fucking delusional to think that we will ever live in a world where adoption is not needed. JFC, there are just some situations where there are no other options

So please tell me! If you are 100% anti-adoption, where will the abused children go? Or if their parents died, and there are no family members that can take them (financial reasons, emotional reasons, whatever).Tell me, what then?

It just totally startles me that people cant take one step sideways out of the box to think about the other options , see that families are not just made up of parents and children but cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, all who could support the parents in bringing up the children and if things are really desperate take the children into their homes while the parents sort their lives out. That people have friends and neighbours who could also support them.

In fact if there was Less emphasis on how this peculiar insular nuclear family ideal was the right way to do things and more acknowledgment that its okay for family and friends to take part in raising a child a lot less children would need to be taken from their parents in the first place because the reduction of stress and the presence of other nurturers would massively reduce incidences of abuse and neglect, and would cushion the effects of poverty
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So, there's a very specific sub genre of adolescent literature that goes

  • Once a long time a go there was a worldwide disaster in which almost everyone dies

  • A handful of people survive and create a closed community in a valley/underground/in a person made bubble

  • a mythology/religion/very strict set of rules become an intrinsic part of the community

  • out of this arises an edict to not go outside, outside is dangerous in someway, wasteland, unsurvivably cold, poisonous, full of unimaginably fearsome animals

  • Most of the people in said community believe the rules absolutely and wouldn't dream of not following them

  • But hark! our protagonist enters the scene, said protagonist is always between 12 and 16 and restless, inquisitive and clearly more intelligent than the adults around

  • Protagonist decides they need to see what is outside for themselves despite it being taboo/being punished for it/forecasts of death and destruction.

  • Protagonist escapes community and find they were lied to, outside is survivable and there are other people there

  • ectetera

When this is done well it is absolutely my favorite type of ad lit (except for the nuclear holocaust stuff which doesn't get written any more and I think I've pretty much read all of) when it is done badly it is unutterably boring, but I was thinking someone should totally fuck with the conventions and follow it till the end when the protagonist finds that the stories/rules are all true and they die of whatever it is on the outside and possibly also bring down death and destruction on their community. That would fuck with a few heads.

Also in other ad lit news Tommorow, when the war began has been made into a film

Trailer looks good, I hope it is because I loved the book
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(this is a rewriten post, that I tidied up and made more coherent)

I read the first essay: A Question of Class in Dorothy Allisons Skin about five times and every single time I read it I cried. it bought home some sharp hard truths about the fact that my adoptive parents have no idea who their children are or where they come from.

I am not middle class, I have never been middle class but I was colonised by the middle class, I was taught that I was middle class, that my people were middle class, that I was exactly the same as all the other middle class kids around me. i have had advantages by being adopted into the middle class, but not as many as you would think, I still spent my early twenties crazy, broke and homeless i still don't really get the rules of middle class behaviour and sensibilities and I still fuck up royally all the time.

I grew up in a really affluent town in the south of England amongst good schools and university educated adults, but that's not who I am, that's not where I come from. I wasn't even born in to the working class, I come from the underclass, the chaotic poor who have given up, who have no where left to turn.

Nobody ever made connections or taught me to make connections between poverty, lack of education, mental heath issues and having all your children taken into care. I was taught that poverty was a personal failing. My adoptive mother would often scream at me or one of my brothers "Do you want to end up living in a council house?" as if that's the worse thing that could possibly happen, as if my people, my blood line for generations back hadn't lived in council houses.

And there were things we were expected to know, things good, well behaved, well bought up middle class kids knew, that we couldn't possibly have known, the three times table, the fact you don't talk about money, the words to silent night, as if I hadn't spent the first six years of my life in the east end of London not being fed or educated properly

Allison writes:

I understood that we were the bad poor: men who drank and couldn't keep a job; women, invariably pregnant before marriage, who quickly became worn, fat, and old from working too many hours and bearing too many children; and children with runny noses, watery eyes, and the wrong attitudes. My cousins quit school, stole cars, used drugs, and took dead-end jobs pumping gas or waiting tables. We were not noble, not grateful, not even hopeful. We knew ourselves despised. My family was ashamed of being poor, of feeling hopeless. What was there to work for, to save money for, to fight for or struggle against? We had generations before us to teach us that nothing ever changed, and that those who did try to escape failed.

And I understand that, my father was an alcoholic, him and and my brothers father ended up in prison, my other siblings fathers disappeared, half my sisters got pregnant as teenagers and all that goes back generation after generation, nobody was educated and if they worked they did mind numbing soul destroying jobs. And so many of them died young or disappeared

I grew up in a world where girls of the class I was born into are seen as slutty, promiscuous, are more likely to be teenage mothers, and boys of the class I was born into were expected to be vandals, layabouts, criminals. so we were policed heavily, I was screamed at for being cheap, provocative, obscene, flirtatious, and my brothers were regularly forced to watch a video that talked about how bad prison was, because despite all that babbling about nurture over nature my adoptive parents and their educated middle class friends still believed that the bad blood had a chance of winning through.

My mother, the woman who gave birth to me, got pregnant with my sister at 15 and in the environment I grew up in that was seen as a personal failure too, there was no understanding, no critique of the fact that there are clear understandable reasons why women of her social class who lived with intergenerational poverty, mental health issues and lack of education would get pregnant very young

and now I have this whole web of class issues that can't be untangled, there is so much dissonance in the way I relate to class. I am ashamed that I come from generations of poverty, embarrassed that my sister cant behave more middle class like in front of my adoptive parents, and angry that I got told for such a long time that where i come from was defective, wrong, and I should automatically be able to become middle class despite the experience of my formative years,


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October 2010

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